The Uninvited Guest

You're right. It's been a while since I updated my blog. My reason? I guess I'm just not in charge...really.

I've found myself in a "growth period" these past few months. Do you know what those are like? At first they feel pretty rough - no, make that pretty CRAZY. Things don't make sense...at first. I've been struggling with this for a while now. Change is like that I guess. It's an essential element for growth, but it sure isn't graceful. It's awkward, it's clumsy, like a baby learning to walk. Bumping into things, falling down, having to get back up, some days having to find the desire to even get back up. It's anything but graceful. Feels like you're in a boxing match with an invisible opponent that is trying to teach you something, whether you want to learn it or not. Yes, I giggled here and you can, too.

I guess one of the things you don't get to know up front is what this growth is about and where it will take you - and WHY NOW? Does it make you feel stronger? Does it make you feel like you could faint at the drop of a feather? Yes, and yes. Is it predictable? Not even. I would describe it as feeling like you're one of those marionette puppets being moved about by "someone" above holding the strings connected to your hands, legs, head, and your heart. Yes, even your heart! And it seems that the more I resist the direction those strings are pulling and jerking me towards, the more painful and ungraceful I get. To say I feel bruised and battered is an understatement at this point. When you fight it long enough, hard enough, you eventually get tired. You get to the point where you finally have to consider that you've been missing the fact that someone, or something, is trying to get your attention. Really?

Time out.

How does one adjust from thinking you know what you're doing to submitting to the possibility that perhaps you don't know what you're doing at all; and furthermore, it's sheer arrogance to think you have control of anything, other that your willingness to give in, or your resistance, to this change. This unseen puppeteer has seemingly taken over your world (without invitation or your permission) in order to nudge you towards your next level of "scheduled" growth. That's all you have control over, you know. Fight it or go with it.

I've been fighting it for a while now. I admit it. It's not like "growth" should be considered a bad thing. Right? It's just the process that feels like heck. It's like a perpetual bad hair day that you cannot do anything about. You can't hide it. You can't ignore it. It slaps you around hard when you least expect it. It will even knock you flat on your ass...usually when you're resistance is quite high, or so you think. It will eventually convince you that you have to finally stop and just look around, see where you really are, and look for something you can recognize to hold on to. The process is not pretty. And it just gets worse the more you resist it. Trust me on that.

If I were to consider growth's biggest challenge, I would guess the hardest part is when it's first trying to get your attention. "Hey there, umm, I've got orders here to start your next growth process, okay? You have now been served. Have a nice day." No, it's not that obvious. It's often hard to recognize what is happening, hard to say to yourself, "Oh, that looks like/feels like "growth." Maybe I should pay attention here." Instead we find it annoying and get a bit frustrated when it interrupts our "plans" or causes things to happen that we weren't expecting. I mean, who purposefully invites "change" to come and hang out for a while in order to grow. Easy to say, but much harder to do. I guess that's how Change ended up getting a bad rap. Trying to help out when no one is asking for it or wanting it. Now that's funny. Well, it was to me. Change - the uninvited guest.

So here I sit, working my process, trying to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to be learning now and which area of my life needs to have a growth adjustment. You know, if Change would just send me an email, tell me what's up, what to expect, what I need to do, and when it'll be over, I could deal with that. I really could. I guess "Change" doesn't do email. So much for clear communication.

This particular growth I find myself in right now is very personal. I believe it's about my "heart" and "faith." I think that's where faith lives...in our hearts. You know, the heart I've had locked away, hiding from past pains I felt I could have died from. Only allowing a small part of my heart to function in my relationships, always hiding it, thinking this was the only way I could survive. But was I surviving, really? For a long while I thought so. Even now I feel that fear closing around my throat, nearly cutting off my air. In hiding my heart, to try to protect it from more pain, apparently I've also been stifling my own faith. I didn't realize that until right now. Faith in myself, my abilities, my talents, in plain old me.

No wonder I've never been able to see the person that others tell me they see in me. I believe I caught a glimpse of "her" once many years ago, but I've all but forgotten what she looked like, until now. She is lovely. She has a smile for everyone. She finds subtle humor in many things. She looks at things in a little bit different way than most people. She is so gentle. She is patient. She is very playful. She offers help whenever she can. She moves in a sensual way that she is not even aware of. It is just a natural state for her. She hears more than words, she feels the feelings behind the words. She finds beauty all around her without even trying. She is creative and expressive. How could I have been so blind for so many years. What was I afraid of.

Think I'll spend some time with "her" and see if she'll stick around this time.