I try to do the right thing in all situations. I really do. I realize that the "right thing" is always limited by my personal perspective and experience at the time, but my intention is genuinely from a good heart. Sometimes, things end up like shit hitting a fan. When it does, I never see it coming, and it takes me a good while to process through it. I'm a tenderhearted person and if I ever do something that hurts someone else, it hurts me even more when I realize it. Communication is the tool that you fix things with, you know?
Out of the blue my friend invited me to come visit, have dinner, etc. on a Saturday evening. I showed up and things were like they had always been, even though the communication had been lacking all those years. She was genuinely happy to see me and we caught up on many things in our lives. Her husband fixed us dinner and eventually we ended up hanging out at the fire pit, the best way to wrap up an evening in the country with friends. As I was gathering up my things to start heading for home, she gave me a big hug and whispered something in my ear I will never forget. She apologized to me about how long it had been since we had gotten together and for how sparse our communication had been. Then she told me why it had been like this.
Apparently, years ago, I had left a voice mail on her home phone, which was overheard by her now-husband's daughter. The daughter-in-law told my friend's husband (her dad) that my voice sounded like "that voice" that had left a rude and not very nice message on her mother's phone. I guess this occurred before my friend married her husband and the x-wife had some bitter issues. I don't know the precise details. Anyway, as a result of this, my friend's husband decided I was a "she devil" and my friend had to make a choice to stand by her man, or defend her friendship of 20+ years with me. Even though she tried to explain to him that there was no way I would ever have left a message on his x-wife's phone, he wouldn't believe it. He chose to believe what his daughter told him. Hind sight being 50/50, as we all know it is, the daughter was playing Mommy against Daddy at the time, so for some reason smearing my name resulted in feeding something she needed. I never knew about any of this until my friend apologized that night.
I drove home in shock. I would never do such a thing in the first place; secondly, I didn't have the means (the x-wife's phone number) to even try to do such a thing if I wanted to. I couldn't believe our friendship had been held hostage for all those years over something so absolutely stupid and absurd by a selfish person with no morals. My friend and I were very close. We'd stood by each other during some very dark days of both our divorces and shared heartaches from our growing children. This person was like a sister to me. I can't imagine how painful it was for her to have to be in a position to choose like that. Doing the right thing sucks sometimes.
I'm not sure what changed with her husband that made it so we could resume our friendship. Yet, I don't hear from her much since that evening, still. I don't know what I would have done had I been in her shoes but I choose not to judge her about any of it. But, man, that really smarted in my heart. It still does. I'm not an aggressive person, so I'm just maintaining the light occasional communication as I had all those years. I'm not convinced that things are different. At least they don't feel different so far.
This week I found myself in an innocent, or so I thought, situation and I made a decision, based on what I thought was in the best interest for someone I cared for. There was a part of me that toyed with the possibility that my good intentions might not be considered, but I did what I thought was the right thing anyway. Well, maybe my good intention wasn't good enough. I don't know since our communication is now pretty much at a standstill for now. Ouch. Big ouch. Really?
Communication is truly like air for me. Close up that communication with me and I feel like I'm literally suffocating. I know I'm not, but it really feels bad. So now I struggle to maintain a smile and keep positive thoughts in my mind. Keep my hands and mind focused on the things I need to put my time and energy into. But it's still there, nagging at my heart. I wouldn't change what I did, but I would like to know what I should have done instead if I made a bad decision. You know, so one doesn't repeat those things that don't work out like you'd expect.
It's real tempting to put those tapes back on the player in my mind to guard my heart, but I know they've not served a positive purpose all this time, even though I thought I'd convinced myself that they had. But how positive is feeling like this now? I'm lousy at confrontation. I cry, OK? It's who I am. I know I won't sleep worth a nickel tonight. I'll keep busy tomorrow, plaster a big smile on my face in the morning and I will get things done. But, ouch.
This leaves me wondering, what should I do now? Wait? Wait some more? A conversation needs to happen pretty soon or I'm darn sure I'm going to shove those tapes back in my mind's tape player and say "forget it." I know I didn't do anything wrong. Maybe I'm too sensitive. This is the kind of feeling I've been trying to avoid like the plague for the past 5 years or so. It just eats me up inside so bad. I guess the question is "What should I be learning here?" Maybe it's OK for it to SUCK when you're doing the right thing. Hmmm...maybe that's it
Blessings on your heads,
Rege
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