Peek A Boo, I Found You!

What is considered a harmless child's game, Hide and Seek, has been used by many of us to protect our tender hearts at some time in our lives.  I figured, if I could "hide" good enough, no one could hurt me again.  So I shelved many things in order to help me hide.

• I shelved my openness and intimacy.
• I shelved the thought that I would ever again be in a meaningful relationship with a man.
• I shelved my humor.
• I shelved the possibility that I would ever again have a healthy sexual relationship, along with the *deep sigh* pleasures that usually includes.
• I shelved staying fit and healthy.
• I shelved dressing in a way that flattered my body.
• I shelved taking the time to make my hair look pretty.
• I shelved putting on make-up and taking good care of my skin.
• I shelved my well-being.
• I shelved my joy.

 That's a pretty high price to pay to keep from getting hurt, huh?



And what did this elaborate hiding process give me in return?

• I appeared angry and unapproachable to others.
• I kept men at arm's length, only willing to chance a "brother-sister" type friendship.
• I lost my sense of humor and became way too serious...wrinkles.
• I figured I'd never experience intimate pleasures ever again...talk about sad.
• I gained weight and didn't care.  My health suffered.
• I dressed frumpy and wore lots of black.
• My hair has it's own fashion ideas, so that didn't shelve well.
• I began to look tired, sad, and lost the glow of once healthy skin.
• My self-care rituals all but disappeared and I isolated to an unhealthy degree.
• I had no joy to lift me up when things were hard, and things have been very very hard for the past two years.
• It was like I had tied a weight on my own neck, just waiting for the right time to jump off a bridge and disappear.
• But no one could hurt me, right?
• Yeah, I was actually hurting myself, huh?

I busied myself with family, friends, volunteer activities, hobbies and crafting.  Dived in feet first to be a vendor at the Saturday Market July 2012, which was pleasantly quite consuming.  I crocheted way too much alone in my room watching SciFi...hey at least I let myself do that much.  I told myself I was happy.  I told myself that a lot.  Trouble is, I was not happy.  But, I felt I was doing what I needed to do to protect my heart and not get hurt any more.  I had pretty much convinced myself that I could do this crazy hiding and shelving myself thing until I died and have a good life.  Anybody want to jump in here right now and slap me up the side of my head yet and say, "What the fuck were you thinking?"  Several had tried, but my position was set pretty well, until recently.

Here's what I recently learned.  You can think you're hiding all you want to.  But, when someone else, who really knows what hiding looks like, "finds you", you can't hide anymore.  A simple example would be like this:  Ever notice that some people tie their tennis shoes with the tie to the side?  If you don't know why anyone would do this, you might not have a bad back.

If it hurts to bend over to tie your shoes,
you sit on a couch or bed and put your leg
up on the bed to tie your shoe.  This results
in the tie being off to the side of your shoe.
You wouldn't necessarily know this unless
you had to tie your shoes like this, too. 


So, when someone else has been hurt so badly that they honed these fine skills of "hiding," they also recognize that behavior in others.  Does that make sense?  Well, that's what happened to me recently.  So much for thinking I was so expertly skilled at hiding.

I had a choice; stop hiding or dig in deeper and keep hurting myself ever so much more than having my heart broken again could ever hurt me.  But, I had to think it over.  It wasn't an easy decision to take all those things off the shelf and begin to breathe in life like I meant it again.  I was so afraid.  Once I realized what I had been doing to myself, how much I had been hurting myself, I just couldn't keep hiding.  Especially from this person, who "found me," and called me out on it big time.  He could only do this because he had been hiding, too.  He had been hiding for the same reason I was hiding and he saw through my hiding.  He reached out to my heart with his heart, knowing he could get hurt, but taking the chance for both our sakes.  There were a few uncomfortable communication glitches in the beginning, but there was so much more that made both of us willing to work through those glitches.  Teeth were bared and a little blood was shed (metaphorically speaking), but we stood strong and worked through it.

I'm not hiding any more.  I can't.  I have a heart full of love and all the parts of me that had been dying on the shelf are back where they belong.  I am whole once again.  I am happy.  I feel loved and cherished like never before in my life.  There are still times I feel a pang of those past fears; but I rush to my center, breathe deeply, and let the past remain the past.

So, my darlings, if you're hiding, please consider the price you pay in order to hide and ask yourself if it's worth it.

Blessings on your heads,
Rege